For most working Canadians, close to half our waking adult lives are spent on the job, which means that the relationships we have in the workplace deeply affect our state of mind and our happiness. Pressures on work relationships can come from all directions, especially in tough economic times, and any perceived slight, insult or misstep can create a relationship strain that makes a new workday something to dread.

The first thing to recognize is that you can’t be responsible for someone else’s behaviour. The second thing to recognize is that you are responsible for your own behaviour and if you have trod on someone’s feelings or otherwise screwed up in a way that causes a colleague hardship, you have a moral and professional obligation to clean up your mess. That means offering a sincere and convincing apology, at least. It does not mean trying to dodge responsibility or redirect blame with a non-apology apology:

It is true that the workplace environment is different from a social or personal environment, and it is true that managers need to provide coaching and honest feedback and ensure that tasks are performed properly and on schedule. But all of the requirements of workplace communication can be met without creating a toxic environment.

Nevertheless, we are human and humans mess up. Consequently, how we attempt to fix our messes often has a bigger impact on the quality of our relationships than the mistakes we make along the way. A meaningful, genuine apology, besides eliciting forgiveness, might also create respect among your colleagues.

Certainly the workplace apology can be tricky, trickier even than an apology in your personal life. The same moral grounds exist for both personal and business apologies, but there also may be strategic professional and career reasons for apologizing at work. (There may also be strategic reasons for withholding forgiveness at work but there’s a psychological toll from extending hostilities.) For that reason, the workplace apology may be greeted with some skepticism and might need to meet an even higher standard of sincerity than a social apology.

In fact, a flippant, casual or half-hearted “I’m sorry” may very well come across as dismissive and exacerbate the offence rather than inspiring forgiveness. For that reason, if you feel in your heart of hearts that you owe an apology – if you’re honest with yourself you’ll know – then take the time to make it real, even if that is uncomfortable.

The first step in making any real apology is to truly understand that the apology is only about the person you have harmed. It is not a scoreboard on which to tally who did what to whom when. Nor is it a platform for you to excuse your behaviour by offering mitigating circumstances. You begin by giving a detailed accounting of your offending behaviour and only that. For most people to forgive they need to feel that their transgressor understands exactly what he or she did.

Then acknowledge the pain or hurt you caused. You must take responsibility for it, which is often the hardest part for many people. We are tempted to add an excuse, sometimes even blaming the victim. “I know when I yelled at you that I hurt your feelings, and I really wish I didn’t do that but I just didn’t think I could get through to you any other way.” Then make a sincere statement of regret, and an unconditional commitment to change the offending behaviour. You won’t do it again.

The audience for the apology should match the audience for the offence. If you flamed a colleague on email with several other colleagues copied, then it is your obligation to make sure that everyone on that email trail has seen you acknowledge your error.

Likewise, if you have demeaned someone in a staff meeting, it’s not sufficient to drop by their cubicle later and tell them you are sorry. You’ve got to step up in the next staff meeting and do the honourable thing.

If your action has caused someone a loss – of opportunity, status, respect, etc. – you have an obligation to provide some form of restitution. Of course you cannot make up for a lost opportunity, but you can make every effort to find a new opportunity for your colleague. And finally, in the corporate environment a small token can ease the healing process. Get your colleague a coffee, muffin or some other small treat you know they enjoy.

If you’ve made a convincingly heartfelt apology, the odds are good that your colleague will forgive you and you can return to your work with one less source of stress in your daily life.